want

His writing makes me teary. His writing makes me think and feel things that I forgot that was me. He makes me want to write again, to REALLY feel what I am feeling. His writing makes me wish someone loved me…His writing awakens my heart that sometimes I wish were still sleeping.

impressive

I have had a most impressive day! The morning started out a bit rough as I fell down my stairs and it really hurt and being up at 7:00am on my day off is not fun, but when you have kids…

But whatever sparked in my brain the last few days… I am most happy with! I have had projects pouring out of my mind all day. I had a great conversation with the mom of the boy and I am almost finished knitting a scarf. My friend C. had an acupuncture appt. so our fabric outing had to be put on hold so S. and I went out tonight to an AMAZING place not too far from my house. Red lights, lanterns, mulled wine and yummy treats made our bellies very happy! After a couple hours and still early in the evening we ventured down to the vegan mall to check out the book of the tattoo artist at Scapegoat Tattoo to redo my arm and I am so thrilled to book a consult. Since the tattoo artist wasn’t in we then walked a few feet over to Sweet Pea Bakery for a vegan and gluten free cupcake and scone which were so yummy but put us in a sleepy coma. So now I am back home away from the cold, although wishing I had a couch and my fireplace working, but nestling up on my bed and knitting makes me quite happy in the meantime.
Although, I am still not in love with Portland, I think things might be ok. I am expecting too much from myself to have so much accomplished and sometimes it just takes time to settle in and feel at home. Growing pains…

The one day NOT to forget my camera…I forget. oh well…Tomorrow is a new day. Use your imagination.

Magic

don’t look at life so literally. Maybe there is magic beyond what we see…

It has been a strangely painful, wonderful week. A paradox of feelings.

I was so inspired while watching an episode of Oprah one day when she had the author of Twilight on. I have never seen the movie, however, I love vampire movies so I am excited to catch up and watch the new one as well. She came out and looked just like a normal mom. Vampire fantastical came out of her? Kind of like the Harry Potter author as well. These women were regular moms doing their thing and at their wits end. But one day they chose not to ignore their imaginations or dreams. What an amazing story and so incredibly inspiring.

I love talking to my friend C. I am always so enlightened after conversations with her. I have always been a romantic and a dreamer. I never looked at life so literal, but lately I have been so stressed with life and my head that I have lost that imagination and that spark. I had lost the connection with myself…

The light here was getting me down and I was starting to feel blocked and uninspired, but C. made a point. Stop looking at life so literal and realize the light here can be magic. I am going through a deep soul searching time along with unlocking my creative block… It is a bit of a rough time with all these changes, but I know things will be great in the end and even Magical.

Dia de los Muertos

long day

two very long days at work, but came home and my puppins made me laugh so hard.

I got nothing else. Too tired.

Be present.

It is so easy to take for granted everyday things in your life. The sun, a hug, a kind word, or even how happy your dogs get when you come home from work. Be present and embrace every moment, because the moments might not be there again. I miss the sun so much now, I miss my Millie grabbing her toy telling me hello when I come home, I miss people in my life that aren’t there anymore. I wish I had done and said so many things that I didn’t. So I am learning to live fully in the present, to laugh and be happy even in the midst of grey. I am glad there are no rules or limits on life, only the ones we give it…Be Present and laugh often. My thoughts for the day.

“Let the emphasis be on the now in everything. What you do now is extremely important – the decisions you make in this instant, the way you act, the way you think. As you do this, you find yourself changing and expanding. You can become God-filled, God-minded, God-guided as you take this breath now. This is the most wonderful and uplifting thought possible. You literally feel yourself rising in the sheer joy of it. This is where the complete change can come. You need never be the same again. Old habits, old thought forms and ties can be cut this instant and you can become a transformed person – a triumphant being.

You want to be different? You can be, and you can be perfect now. This is a breathtaking thought. You need never, never be the old self again. You are now in the process of building the light-body, raising the vibrations so that every cell in your body is changing. You are becoming light.”

~Eileen Caddy
via Swirly’s blog

also another great post by Swirly…go here.

Hey Mr. Sunshine

Today was much needed sunshine, except I was working all day. Dearest Sun, I am sorry that for so long I said I could live without you – I can’t. I need you…come back.

I am making a plan. yes…a plan.

heat and hot coffee

Edi has found her special place…the heater. I finally put a little bed over there and when the heater comes on she runs over and lays down. pretty cute…

She has her heater and I have my hot coffee. hehe. brr….

I have a possible phone interview in the next couple days…I hope. Think good thoughts for me.
Not feeling so well. I think I will go to bed. arg!

A moment of my raw reality

I try to be positive lately on the blog and in my life, but sometimes in the midst of all that I still have to face the blue and push it aside or try and deal with it. I honestly can’t say that I am in love with Portland, although, sometimes I hear it takes a long while to adjust. I am still waiting for that wow factor, but it hasn’t come yet. The “aha, this is it…this is the place of amazement and wonder. The place I will find love, live fully and all things will be wonderful.” I have wanted to come here for so long that I told myself that Portland was my saving grace. Don’t say that can’t exist, it has happened to me once. But at the same time of that “wow moment”, I was coming out of a very dark place and L.A at the time seemed like heaven with my new friends, the music, my job, the ocean, the sun and life was just amazing there for awhile.

I will give it time because I want it to be so, maybe now it is just hard with the rain, my job, my neighborhood and feeling so lonely. I thought my job would be my stress relief, but alas, I am a little concerned about it. I won’t take life so seriously though. I tend to treat everything like it is life or death in a manic way and that fact is, though, that it isn’t. Maybe if I get out more and listen to live music or go get coffee or a drink and try to meet people. I am the best hibernator, but I like being home…is that so bad? dunno, I do have to do my part for trying with this place and until then, I don’t really have the right to rag on it…right?!

I need to push myself like I never have before to accomlish my dreams. Take the steps, believe and MAKE IT HAPPEN. I want to live in a neighborhood where I can walk my dogs and have our farm, have a baby someday and a successful business. Right now, this is not happy, but a transistion to really push myself to get out of the crap I have put myself in for the last few years. I have a lot of digging and a lot of soul searching and a lot of hard- HARD work ahead of me…discipline and whatever it takes to stop the self sabatoge. I know we all deal with that. I think I will get out the Artist way and The war of art and read to help with my search and push through the blocks.  It will happen, I keep trying, but I need to try harder and stronger. I am at a point now where there is no option.

I guess it was just a moment I needed to be my raw self, to be naked and undressed in my words, because I know that I am not alone. We all have dreams, especially artists. We paint or work on things, but then nothing.  From a quote that The Edge said from a video I posted the other day, “waiting for something magic to happen. -MAKE IT HAPPEN… Make magic.

you only live once, so live big.